the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
