I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize