2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
