My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
