you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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