How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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