she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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