He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
