____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
