I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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