Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
