Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
