You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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