i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
