It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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