I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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