I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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