If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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