Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
