btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
