I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
