I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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