You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
