GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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