ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
