haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
