I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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