operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
