got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
