Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
