What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize