Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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