I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
