She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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