the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
