my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Pooping to opera.
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