Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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