im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
