everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
