just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
