My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
