How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
