Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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