I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
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