there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
