stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
