Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize