I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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