The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
