I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize