saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
