Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
