mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
