mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize