It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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