Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
how drunk are you?
Several
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
