If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
