Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
