got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
