Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
