I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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