We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
