Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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