My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
