this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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