One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
