I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
